My partner slapped me during sex without asking

How to Do It is Slate's sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Stoya and Rich here. It's anonymous!

Dear How to Do It,

I recently started dating again after an "off" period where I was caretaking and navigating a career transition. As such, I haven't had sex in awhile. I’ve clicked with a few different people from dating apps and have been talking to them, and one such man my age (mid-20s) really took an interest in me. We had similar interests and a lot of chemistry. But when I went over to his place for a hookup, he slapped me across the face. Without my consent. He immediately apologized and I left soon after. The next day, he texted me a few times asking mundane questions, and I told him that I needed space to figure out what I wanted. He then apologized again and took full responsibility, "for ruining what was supposed to be a safe and fun experience for both of us."

I’ve been undecided ever since, but I’m wondering if I’m being too severe. I really liked him and I don't know what to do. It was great before that happened and I’m wondering if it's worth it to try to reconcile.

—Hookup Gone So Wrong

Dear Hookup Gone So Wrong,

Uh, if anything you’re being measured. That guy slapped you and you said, "Hmm, maybe!" There's a lot of questionable shit people do in the name of sexual expression that horniness and attraction may let slide; however, it's perfectly reasonable to draw the line at non-consensual violence. Even kinky people who love slapping ask each other and negotiate first.

You’re in your mid-20s—there are so many available, horny guys your age who won't slap you (or will, but only after you’ve consensually negotiated it). You don't owe this guy a damn thing and, in fact, I think you’ve already given him too much. Move on.

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Dear How to Do It,

My husband (M30) and I (F30) have a great relationship, but have been recently feeling awkward in the bedroom. For a long time, we’d boast privately to each other about our excellent track record of both being very satisfied by the end of each session, but for the past six-ish months, our ratios have skewed, and I don't always finish. I always reassure my husband that I enjoy our sex immensely even if I don't climax, and he always encourages me to finish the job solo if I want to.

I’ve been trying to introduce some new ideas into our sex life to spice things up. We’re a bit vanilla, which is comfortable, but I know from my personal pleasure habits that things like dirty talk or hearing a guy moan really turn me on. My husband admits he's not confident with that kind of thing at all and though I try to encourage it and prompt him during the act (e.g. "tell me how good that feels"), he's usually pretty quiet.

I don't want to hurt his confidence more by pushing it, lest he gets more anxious about performing for me. He openly told me he's confident in every other area of his life but sex! How can I help him without embarrassing him?

—Silence Isn't Sexy

Dear Silence Isn't Sexy,

Perhaps something like roleplay, which can still be very verbal but is also immersive in a way that can make the words flow more easily, could be a way of extracting that precious verbiage you’re after. But don't press it or even count on it. I think for some people, verbal expectations are a burden. If someone isn't naturally inclined to express themselves in that manner during sex, the request to do so can feel like a writing assignment. Just because someone is interested in having sex doesn't mean that they’re interested in verbalizing during it.

Maybe instead of focusing on something he isn't good at or otherwise not inclined to partake in, try building his confidence by focusing on a skill of his that can be enhanced. Is either of you particularly dominant or submissive? Could you fool around with bondage or toys? Are there positions that you haven't perfected that you can explore? What about sensory deprivation like blindfolds? How's the oral game? There's a lot you can do to explore and play.

It's great that you told him that you’re not so focused on your orgasm, and it's totally fine if you stay that way, but I do wonder if there's anything you might do to make it a more reliable occurrence. For example, if you’re finishing the job solo with a vibrator, could you introduce that to your play with your husband?. Perhaps that might kickstart things back up. I don't think you should put undue pressure on yourself or make things uncomfortable, but maybe a slight pivot to selfishness (i.e. chasing your own gratification however necessary) could be useful?

A final thought regarding verbal: Do you two ever sext? It might split the difference between your desiring more in that realm and allowing him to participate without feeling put on the spot? And once the words are out there, that might make it easier to incorporate in the bedroom. Might be worth a try.

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Dear How to Do It,

My husband and I have been married for 30 years. This past year we’ve started talking more about sex and our fantasies. We’ve decided to open our marriage. We discussed our boundaries and have decided we will only play together. We’ve tried some sex clubs, but they remind us of the high school cliques we hated. Neither of us are into the party scene. We don't have a lot of friends, and those we do seem very vanilla. How do we meet people that we can explore with?

—Frustrated and Impatient

Dear Frustrated and Impatient,

It's probably worth firing up the old apps/websites—if you’re a straight couple, look into sites for swingers like AdultFriendFinder and SDC.com. There's also an SDC app. Another is SLS Swinger Community, and you can always try FetLife as well (it's like kinky Facebook). And then there's our beloved Feeld, the consensual non-monogamy-oriented app we recommend a lot in this column. (Also, you might want to look into specifically designated swingers parties/clubs versus more generic sex clubs, if you haven't.) If you’re two guys, there's no specially tailored app necessary. Because of how widespread non-monogamy is among queer guys, you can create one profile to advertise both of your goods on, say, Scruff or Grindr.

I want to gently push back on your mindset regarding the snobbery you perceived at the club. There is, of course, cliquishness to be found in many such social situations. However, it's important to actually put yourself out there when you’re in such a space, and not decide that the place is full of assholes because people weren't falling at your feet the moment you walked in the door. This is an environment where (presumably) a bunch of people know each other and not you, and the best way to correct that is by letting them know you, not sitting back and then deciding that they’re at fault because they didn't prioritize you. I’m not saying this is happening, but I am saying that if this did happen, the people already in the club are not to blame. Friendliness and assertiveness can go a long way.

Dear How to Do It,

I’m (55) in a marriage of 15 years with a spouse (48) who has chronic borderline personality type behavior. There are spikes of significant discord, as you can imagine. We’re at an impasse about divorce. She threatens it. I see space for couples therapy. I’m in individual therapy. With teenage kids, a shared built life and home, divorce would have significant financial and other detrimental effects. We co-parent fairly well, and share most, if not all values.

Our marriage is sexless, not by my choice. She uses sex as a form of control, which isn't uncommon for personality disorders. Over the last few years, she has suggested, in passing, the idea of opening up the marriage. I’ve downplayed it because my life is already busy, rich, and active. But after five years of no sex or romance along with her inability to be vulnerable and emotionally intimate, I’m thinking an open marriage could be a real option.

My biggest two concerns are: First, how would I navigate this? Especially with the children? I don't think we’d tell them, but someday, as adults, they might find out. I don't want to be considered a philanderer or dishonest. Also, I’m concerned my spouse will flip and use it against me. Not sure how to manage this.

Second, how the hell do I find people who would be open to and trusting that I have an open marriage? I imagine many people state "open status" but really do not. What's the right approach?

—Nautical Guides for Open Waters

Dear Nautical Guides,

If your spouse has in the past waffled on what she previously found permissible, she's likely to again, and you can apply what you did there to this situation. Maybe it's as simple as reassuring her emphatically or pausing the conversation until her mood shifts. While your situation is particular in its precariousness, keep in mind that many people are prone to mood-dependent double standards or simply changing their minds. It's one thing to understand in the abstract that your partner will be having sex with other people; it's another to live it. I’ve had boyfriends waffle on non-monogamy and none of them have had diagnoses of personality disorders (not that I know of, at least). You just talk it through it and then circle back when the clouds clear and clarity resumes. An accumulation of such arguments, though, may make you wonder whether openness is worth it. That's your journey to take.

As for your kids, they’re growing up in a world where non-monogamy is an option, so it's unlikely that a discovery of your practice will rock their worlds as adults. You can have that conversation when you get there. It's a bit to the left of your point, but there are kids who are fully aware that their parents are poly; many of them thrive with open minds (complications often concern negative feedback from those outside the family who catch wind of the nontraditional arrangement). Elisabeth Sheff writes about it at length in The Polyamorists Next Door: Inside Multiple-Partner Relationships and Families. If Sheff's subjects can do it, you can.

Finally, you can find partners wherever—again, because open relationships are increasingly visible, you may encounter people who get it and require no added assurance. Of course, the predominance of cheating means you may have to explain what you’re not doing. I wouldn't worry too much about convincing until you are tasked with it. You can look for partners online and via apps (apps oriented toward non-monogamy like Feeld will allow you a pool of people who understand what it is that you’re doing). There are sex clubs and swingers clubs (though there are sometimes rules against men entering solo, so beware if that applies to you). There's also just keeping your eyes, ears, and heart open as you go through life. Good luck.

—Rich

I’m a 32-year-old straight woman. I have never had sex. The area I live in doesn't have the best choices for casual sex, and while I have several close male friends, they are NOT options. I’m seriously considering saving my money and taking a vacation somewhere that has legal prostitution and finding a male prostitute to do the job for me. Would that be a completely awful idea? Are there ways to do this properly as a straight woman that would give me the best chance for a safe experience?